I woke up early this morning and did my pre-race ritual of showering, so I felt fresh and clean.  I had breakfast, which I had to force down because of my nerves, and then packed my bag with everything I needed.  I was preparing today like it was a World Cup race.  I had my caffeine, my hot rub, Advil, race spikes, and spandex.  I wasn’t holding back or taking any chances.  Then I sat and waited to be picked up.

When we got to the garage, we put the runners on and then flipped a coin to see who would be first and second for the race-off.  I prayed God would make the decision.  It reminded me of the story in Acts, where they drew straws to see who would be an apostle.  I wound up drawing second, which allowed me to fully warm up with no rush. 

I got to the top of the track, put xosterix on, took my Advil, took 200mg of caffeine, put on my headphones and began to enter my zone.  In my zone, I begin to shut everything out that’s around me and dialing in on how my body is feeling.  Testing every muscle and joint to make sure it's firing properly.  I begin to visualize again what it is I am going to do, but this time with the emotion and intensity I will feel at the line.  I have to be careful not to do this too much, as to wear myself out.

Halfway through my warm-up, I stopped what I was doing and went to the start to watch my competition.   They pushed a 4.99...not bad. 

I finished my warm-up, increasing my mental intensity as my turn arose quickly.  I had about 25 minutes until I was up, so I finished my warm-up and went in to change into my racing gear.  My intensity was rising by the minute as I walked into the start house.

As I walked to the line, all I could think was "this is what you’ve been training for Brock.  All the tears, sweat, pain, and sacrifice are coming down to this moment right now.  It will not end.  I must dominate him or I go home."  I flashed back to when I first began to run at the training center and when I first thought everything was going to be ok.  And then the track was clear for us to start.  It was a controlled rage and at this point, I had to direct all of that rage to that sled.   I got in my position and yelled back-set and started to fall to hit the sled, but I realized I was really early and tried to stop and start again.  This was not going as planned.  This is not good!  I hit the sled, but not nearly as hard as I should have and then I was off to the races.  As I ran, I could feel my body remembering the position I had thought about last night, and I began to hit that position on every stride.  It was an amazing feeling!   It was like I was coming back home to something familiar.  It was like I had never left!  I was gliding through the air as easily as I remembered it could be.  Praise God! 

It was a smooth ride, other than not being able to grab my left handle to pull myself down, so I was riding pretty high.  I didn’t think our down time would be great.  When I got down to the bottom of the track we had beaten the first run by .12 and I pushed a 4.96 to win the race off.  I couldn’t believe it, I feel like I’m back now!  I finally feel like a part of the team.  I’m no longer an outsider.  All credit to the Lord! 

Where do I even start to describe my week ?  And it’s only Wednesday!  I flew in on Saturday as the alternate for USA-4, I had only taken two trips in 2-man and 2- trips in 4 man in Lake Placid over a two week period.  No one wanted me on their team.  I was really discouraged coming here and hoping something would change. I prayed on my way to Park City that some moves would be made among the teams that would benefit me this coming week.  I prayed Sunday that something would happen that day to benefit me because I was really discouraged and needed some hope.   I started to make plans to go back to Calgary to either train or retire.  I had already talked to a friend about staying at his place.  I was very close to going ahead and buying a ticket back to Calgary, so I could save a few dollars by buying it early.  

I spoke with one of the drivers a couple times, first about having a race-off from the brakes, which he didn’t want to have, then pushing from the side. He decided to go with me on the side on Tuesday training.  That was good!  I was getting a shot.  We pushed average and our velocity and down times were average.  I was really frustrated and it was not helping my cause to try and win a spot on the World Cup team.  Later that night at the gym, I was told that I was going to get the race- ff from the brakes.  This was the opportunity I had been waiting for and I prayed would come.  That night I had such an anxious feeling in my stomach, I didn’t feel like eating and I slept horribly.  I wanted to go out and race.  I laid in bed visualizing my hit and running position.  I’ve spent months trying to correct my running position behind a sled, but last night I finally remembered what it felt like. I remembered what it felt like when I was at the prime of my game.  Big step!!

I feel like I’ve just been tumbled through an emotional washing machine.  I am exhausted!  I feel like I have felt 100 different emotions within the last 24 hours.  I couldn’t sleep last night because of the thought of a driver using me.  I let my mind race and wonder of the possibilities of me being successful and telling of God’s work in my life after.  I am always leery though, because the past year when a high comes, a low canyon bottom usually follows.  Sure enough, that low canyon smacked me in the face today at training.  The driver that I thought would use me is not going to.  In addition, I talked to my coach today and he said the criteria that the selection committee is using, to select the national team, is not in my favor: combine, push championships, combinations, and driver input.  I was last in all of those.  It was torcher being at training today, slowly realizing that my dreams may be coming to an end. I sat in the starthouse holding back tears most of the afternoon.  It was so hard.  Even as I type this, my eyes begin to well up. 

I’m at a loss for words and direction.  I’m usually very good at taking a step back, having perspective and analyzing my options.  At least I’m good at that for other people.  I feel like my options have all come together at a dead end.  I feel like I’m staring at a turnaround, and the only way to get out, is to turn around and head back the way I came.  I feel like that would be giving up, but what other options do I have?  I could go back to Calgary and train, go back to Calgary and hang  it up.  I could do America’s Cup with either the hopes we have enough points to qualify, or I continue to get stronger and faster and hope that an opportunity comes.  I don’t know what to do?????

I’m tired of being upset with God when things don’t go my way, I don’t know how to feel.  He has come through for me so much.  He knows how much I desire to do this.  Is this not what He wants?  I feel like I am in His will, but maybe not.  Maybe I don’t know how that feels or what that looks like?

Something inside of me says not to give up, I don’t know if it’s my pride, or the Holy Spirit knows something I don’t.  I really don’t know.

Lord what should I do?  Please help me!  I lack faith, I really have very little faith right now despite all that you have done for me.  I know of your faithfulness, but for some reason in the back of my mind I think, “Will He fail me this time?”  I don’t know where that comes from.  Lord, I ask that you carry me, because I can’t carry myself right now.

I’m feeling really anxious about this week here in Park City and the selection of the national team.  We had a meeting about the process and I started to freakout in my mind.  It was racing all day and wondering how I could take things into my own hands.  I laid in bed worrying, and asking God what was going to happen.  On my flight out here I had been praying that something would happen this week, some moves that would benefit me.  After the meeting, I began to pray that something would happen today that would benefit me.  Then I heard a push athlete moved to another team, opening up a spot on the team I would like to push for.   I talked to that driver via bbm and asked if he would consider using me.  He said he would call me later.  Is this the answer to the prayer I prayed earlier?  I pray so…..we’ll see later tonight.  He said he would talk to me tomorrow about it, but another push athlete just left the same team, now there's two openings.  I think this is the work of the Lord!

During a recent radio interview, I was asked what would I say to people, who are going through a hard time financially or with their health, etc.  I can't remember my answer, but after I gave it some thought, my answer should have been:

Pray and walk faithfully with the Lord!  He will provide for His children because we are more important than the birds of the air and the grass of the field (Matt. 6:25-34)  We are called not to be anxious, but to trust the Lord.  As I walk daily and live a life that is pleasing to God I can hold onto these verses:

James 5:16 “The prayers of a righteous person has great power as it is working”

Habakkuk 2:4 “…the righteous shall live by his faith”

I’ve been thinking about all that has gone on this past year.  All that has identified me and all that I have valued hasbeen stripped from me.  Since I started bobsledding, my devotion to the Lord has slowly been on the decline and the past couple years my life has not been honoring the Lord.  He was still important in my life, but He was on the back burner. I would do what I wanted to do and then ask God to bless it later.  It seemed that He did, as I was successful in my sport and was doing ok financially.  In the back of my mind, though, I always thought there would come a point where it would end.  I thought, “Would God continue to bless me, despite me not honoring Him and seeking Him daily?”  I thought maybe it would continue, because it had gone on for several years and maybe I would eventually just get tired of doing it my way.  Unfortunately it didn't work out that way, and it took Him stripping everything away to get my attention.  I felt like God was saying, “Can you hear me now?  Youhave nothing, what will you do and where will you turn?”  It took God breaking me for Him to get my attention.  I have nothing without Him.  My plans have all crashed and burned.  I’m at a point where I can truly pray "let Your will be done", because I know His plan is better than mine.  It’s a really scary thought, because I want to be in control.  I always think I know what’s best for me.  I never do though. 

I think about where I would be in my sport had I chosen not to have my surgeries.  I would be in a much better situation in my sport, but not in my spiritual life.  I can’t believe I can say this, but I am grateful for all that has happened to me and the enormous struggles that I have gone through.  It has brought me into a closer relationship with the Lord, closer than I've ever been.  I have no idea how everything will wind up this year, but I will put my trust in Him daily.  He has never let me down.